Shit Magazine Dies a Death - Good Riddance!

Bitch Magazine: 168 Years of dog-related investigative journalism down the shitter

Thanks to the tireless efforts of our very own investigative journalist Fluffy, today the last issue of the scurrilous rag Bitch hits the newsstands. It was their own fault, but it was Pussy what done it. Had it not been for our campaign of hatred decency in the face of intimidation, Big Town would never have discovered the awful truth that is at the heart of all dog-related matters around these parts.

For example, we discovered that Bitch was
• A stupid dog-related cash-in on the success of Pussy that sold only a THIRD of what Pussy did.
• Slightly funnier that Pussy, but because it was aimed at dogs and their people, who have no sense of humour about these things because they THINK THAT DOGS ARE ACTUALLY A PART OF THEIR FAMILY, it didn't sell that well.
• Mostly about poo

Now it is gone, Big Town is a better place. The current staff paid for the sins of their fathers. And their fathers' fathers. And their grans. But let's face it, it was shit.

And now everyone can pretend THEY NEVER READ IT OR BELIEVED A WORD OF IT.

 But it's not over, oh no. What we want to know is

• What about THE CHILDREN?
• And THE POLICE? Yeah, them. Where were they, eh? DOWN THE PUB? WITH ASYLUM SEEKERS?

And another thing… oh actually I can't keep it up. I'm confused and sleepy.

An important message

It is with great humility that we are able to present to you possibly the most important filmed document of our time, of your time, of all time, of time that hasn't happened yet, you know, future time, the sort Dr Who is into.

Yes, there was the notorious Zapruder film, that shocking piece of silent home movie footage that captured the moment Kennedy, the prince of all our hearts, got that firework stuffed up his harris on Bonfire Night, 1963. A nation still mourns.

There was also the alien abduction film, captured accidentally by Fluffy when he sat on his person's iPhone and recorded the moment an alien spaceship landed in the garden and beamed up Fluffy's person using some kind of, I don't know, tractor beam or something. This astonishing footage proved beyond refute the existence of intelligent lifeforms outside of BigTown. Unfortunately, Fluffy then started to bat the iPhone around, thinking it was a mouse or a rabbit or a spider and he knocked it into the fish pond and it got all fucked up and doesn't work anymore.

But this film outstrips them all. Watch, and be awed.

Lesbain Cat Blogger

Dave, Pussy's lesbain blogger: A real lesbain.

I'd like to hand over to Dave, our lesbain blogger, to make some observations and assurances in the wake of the revelations about something to do with lesbains or something that happened earlier today. Dave…

Hullo readers. I would just like to make it clear that I, Dave, am indeed a real lesbain, and not a fake lesbain pretending to be a lesbain in order to get other lesbains to follow the blog, OK? All us lesbains feel very let down by the fake lesbain blogger, and the other fake lesbain blogger, both of whom were from Other Town, which is just the sort of place where this kind of lesbain trickery happens A LOT because they're all like totally bad and not lesbains. We are lesbains. And so is Frank.

Thank you.

Yeah, damn straight…

The revolution starts at breakfast you useless bastids!

My Big Fat Gypsy Cat

Boots, in a dress, pretending to be a gypsy, yesterday

Here at Pussy we are very proud of our new media partnership with documentary filmmakers Pussy Pictures Off Of TV. They have made some really weak groundbreaking telly stuff, including the reality show Some Cats, the hard-hitting political doc Some More Cats, and the exposé of so-called alternative lifestyles, Look, Some Fucking Cats.

This means that we will be presenting a major new documentary knock-off series, My Big Fat Gypsy Cat. Each week, we will see Boots dressed up in a really big wedding dress with fairy lights in it, and then he'll eat a huge great cake in the shape of a whale and sick it up. The show's weekly finalé will be a bare claw fight out the back of the butcher's.

The show's director, Dave, says, 'My Big Fat Gypsy Cat is a look at a part of our society that has all to often been ignored and reviled. By working with the Big Town Roma community, we have had unprecedented access to their world, their rituals, and their way of life.'

When asked whether actually the show is just Boots, who is not a gypsy, dressing up in a big wedding dress like off of the popular Channel 4 show My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, and pretending to be a gypsy, in order to cash in on the current popularity of gypsy weddings on TV, Dave excused himself for a quick poo, and never came back.

Dusty - It's like The Wire in real life

Dusty is just one of literally loads of cats caught up in the vicious circle of 'nip. Call it what you will, catnip, catwort, catrup, catfucker or stink, the truth is that some cats become dependent on the herb and will stop at nothing to feed their depraved habit. Since this report, Dusty has been jailed in gaol for Petty Larceny, Ugly Larceny, Grand Larveny and Eeh Lad That's Not So Grand Larceny for life. He is expected to get parole after four years.

CATNIP FAX YOU MUST KNOW SO YOU CAN SPOT IT WHEN YOUR KITTENS GO OFF THE RAILS AND NOT AN EXCUSE TO PRINT SCURRILOUS AND EXCITING DETAILS ABOUT DRUGS THAT WILL THRILL AND APPALL YOU LIKE A BUNCH OF BAYING UNDERCLASS AT A PUBLIC EXECUTION IN THE 18TH CENTURY

• Catnip is a plant from the mint family, which includes mintus polo, neverhurrya murray mintus and toothus pastus.

• Catnip is grown in small plastic boxes which are kept in small plastic boxes in high places. Probably.

• The most catnip ever consumed by one cat in one sitting was by Syd. He ate his own body weight in catnip last Thursday. It might have been last Wednesday, actually.

• Wozzer was banned from the Sleep Marathon in the last Cat Games when he was found to have taken catnip the night before. 'We cannot condone deliberate monging,' said the umpire, angrily.

• We get ours off Bender. Meet him by the drainpipe in the back alley – half a tin of Whiskas, a quick lick round the ears and Bob's yer uncle.

• Come to think of it, Syd's spectacular catnip session was on Tuesday.

(isn't most of this recycled from a back issue from about six years ago? Oh well, never mind, they'll never notice - Ed)

StikkiLeaks: Julian The Strange is nicked by the fuzz

Julian The Strange in the police van just now, yesterday

Julian The Strange, that odd cat who, after a huge fight with Bilbo where he knocked Bilbo off the fence in the garden of Number 7, owns the StikkiLeaks bin bag, has been busted by the rozzers.

Julian The Strange became notorious throughout Big Town when he started releasing diplomatic cables from the Other Town government, which dissed off Big Town's Minister for Foreign Affairs and Purring really badly, calling him all names and that. Them Babylon refused to comment on the arrest but did say, 'We pinched Julian The Strange in a morning raid on his tyre on the wasteground, and we got him banged to rights. Believe. Standard.'

'We don't even know why Julian's been collared by the filth,' said Julian The Strange in a statement read out by his solicitor, Fat Bloke. 'We believe it might be the Big Town authorities enacting a warrant for extradition issued by Other Town. The pigs have to totally become a tool of state oppression in this case. If a cat can't go around handing out fishy secrets to anyone who wants them, then we've got ourselves a serious 5-0 issue, innit? We would question why all this extra Dition is needed, surely it's overkill. Plain old normal Dition would be plenty, I would have thought. The truth cannot be hidden. It might smell of fish juice, but that's because it was in a bin bag with fish bits in it. We have, I'm sorry to report, eaten all the fish bits, so there aren't any left. There's no point in hanging around, they've all gone. Julian ate some, then I had a big head bit, and one or two bits – mostly skin – were scoffed by Ginge and Gobshite. I mean it. It's all gone. And all that's left are these secrets and we're going to keep releasing them. There's nothing anyone can do about it. Watch this space. Who made that smell?'

More on this story as it unfolds. In the meantime we will await vigilantly outside the police station in case any new developments develop. You can trust that, oh yes, we won't fall asleep or anything.


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